Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Take me to the specialist

Yes, uhm, the hater of all dogs has got herself a dog.


A dog you say?

What the hell is wrong with this picture?

Oh wait. There is no picture.

Not yet.

That would mean I would have to upload all of my photos since December 24th.
And I do not have the time nor the energy to do such a thing.
And I do not want to walk two rooms to the kitchen to retrieve my camera.


(The Specialist won't hurt me,
She's not like the nuns.
She's got a lot of pain pills,
I think I'll take some yellow ones.)

Monday, March 17, 2008

What to sample next?

My thumb sucker...aka the sampler of bathroom stall doors, is turning into a holy terror.

I told a friend of mine about her licking the window at REI on Saturday and got peals of laughter in response.

I can laugh too, the child is a riot...but she is killing me! She is sick again! and again and again, and spent time in the naughty corner during dinner and just ripped off two, luscious sprigs from my favorite plant! The husband is sending her to the naughty corner....

Oh my hell.

Grant me the sanity to survive this child.

She told me from the back seat of the car on the way home from school that her mouth tasted yucky.
I asked her if it was because she just had chocolate and then some goldfish?

She politely informed me that the reason her mouth tasted yucky was because her new shoe tasted yucky, and apparently, when you get new shoes, you also need to put them in your mouth to sample their lovely flavor.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Bret Michaels...WTF?

Due to the fact that I get free television watching at home...the husband and I have come across part II of the Bret Michaels search for slut-love.

OMG, this is the WORST show I have EVER SEEN. Would you be so proud of your daughter, on TV, vying to be the biggest slut-whore on the face of the planet? For *Bret Michaels* of all people.

How old and washed up is this person? (very)

I'm watching it again in my hotel room. It's entirely stupidity at its finest.

At least when I am home, someone in the 'hood fastforwards through the commercials which are at least TOLERABLE compared to this stupid show.

I spent the day in a conference room, with lots of treats and drinks and lunch and a superb dinner with an open bar and two gin and tonic's in my belly.
And I was depressed by the tour of the facilities of the insurance building I spent the day at. No fighting for parking, no ugly stepchildren in the corner packed in their cubicles like sardines. (Stinky sardines in the 95* temperature during the summer with a broken airconditioner)

Oh no! This building has an on-site gym, with a POOL, and a basketball court, an optical center where you get FREE eye exams and eyeglasses every two years, an on-site health/nurse facility, a salon, a dry cleaning service, a place to drop off your CAR for an oil change, a tire change and a car wash if you get these done, a cafeteria...that seats appx 600 people, ice machines, LOADS of microwaves that didn't come from a pawn shop, newspaper vending machines with the New York Times and other various papers to choose from, actual conference rooms with functional TABLES, they get fresh AIR pumped into the building every SIX minutes...What else? My hell, just when you think they couldn't show you more, there was yet another floor to show, no fights for parking spaces...people who spoke so highly of their place of employment.


It was depressing.

When we got to the bar, someone asked me how I liked the tour. I said "If you are trying to recruite me, you are doing a fabulous job."

They thought that was HILARIOUS.
If they only knew.

Well, I actually get to sleep in a little tomorrow before I trek back to the airport, so I've packed my 5 beers in my luggage..wrapped in socks and one handtowel that I, uhm, aquired from the hotel...hopefully they don't miss it...because I didn't have to pack a lot of clothes, and heaven forbid I break a beer.
I used to do this all the time...bring back a 12 pack of beer from Chicago, when I was traveling a lot, and there was never an issue...but this was before 2001....so we'll see what happens.
I've had two gin and tonics, so I'm not needing anything else tonight. Just something to relax me to sleep so I don't hear the "I think there is a rodent in my room" noise that I heard last night.

I get to go back to work on Thursday. I am not excited. I have not missed my department at ALL.

I've missed a few people...my oatmeal run in the morning person, and that's about it. My home premium-chicken-strip.

My stupid attorney called the husband on Monday night too, and confused the crap out of him, since he talks a load of shit all the time, and the phone in my room SUCKS, since you can't hear me, even though I am YELLING. So I guess we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Until next time.

By the way, did I happen to mention that we purchased a 4-Runner? Well, we did. And my typing sucks completely, so I'm out.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Happy Birthday, from Wisconsin

That is what my sorry-ass texted my brother earlier. It's a classic family-that-I'm-from way to say Happy Birthday since I'm a slacker that couldn't SEND you a birthday card, but could remember to TEXT you in-between connecting flights to Wisconsin....

I am currently sitting on a King-Sized bed in the very freaking cold state of Wisconsin. It's COLD dammit.

I spent the majority of my day in an airplane and/or in an airport. So I went out to dinner and got a chimichanga at some off-the-wall restaurant, and it was amazing, with a somewhat co-worker of mine, and then went to get some beer.

I walked around in awe at the *refrigerated* beer selection (which in Utah, you do not get) so I was like a kid in a candy store...then I get back to my room and realize I have purchased 6 beers that require a bottle opener to open.

Most of our luggage does have a bottle opener since we have, many times, come across this predicament, but alas, my luggage does not have one. I, amazed myself, by wrenching a lid off a bottle by using the door jam thingee to the bathroom and popped one off. (Without damaging anything in the process) Yay for me!

So between the lovely time change and flying to a different time zone change, I am screwed up. More than usual. My body feels like it is only 7:25.... and in the state I am in tonight, it is currently 9:25. THAT SUCKS!

I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow to go to a conference..fit in breakfast...getting dressed..opening my eyes...when it will feel like so many hours, two to be exact, before my body wants to get up.

I am certain that the beer and the muscle relaxer and the hot shower I just took will make it extra easy to get up in the morning.

Well, it is about time to dry my hair (so I can sleep in a little bit later) and try to ease into a sleep that will most likely be interrupted by slamming doors, mysterious loud arguments in the middle of the night in the hallways, and, of course, the upstairs neighbors' toilets flushing throughout the night. Oh yes, can't forget about the loud heater turning on which lets you remember that it is still in the room with you.

I miss my kids and the husband.

I miss my debit card that I forgot to grab from the ATM when I got cash yesterday.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Can I give her back?

Can one get a refund on their child? I know I KNOW. I can hear the gasps and grumbling, but I have been having some real issues with one 6 year old.

She has been so ultimately sassy and just plain HORRIBLE the past few days..mainly, the past three, that I am at my wits end.

She was awful all weekend. Even the husband was frustrated and upset with her. And it takes a lot to ruffle his feathers when it comes to his little girls.

Then I go to pick her up after school today. Which I do not do often, mind you, so I reminded her over and over that I would be picking her up, where to be..blahblahblabblaaaaa....and I wait. 5 minutes pass.....10 minutes pass....14 minutes pass and a car comes into the otherwise empty drop off/pick up area, and who else is in her car, but the very 6 year old I am waiting, somewhat frazzled, for.


I was calm. Bless my heart, I was calm. I explained to her that I was waiting for her and WHY did she decide to get in someone elses car? WHY, pray tell, did you get in someone elses car when you KNEW I WOULD BE THERE?
So we come home and I send her upstairs to potty it up and wash her hands while I call the husband and close myself in the laundry room.
So instead of us going out to the library to spend some mother/daughter time together....we go pick up the little sister and go to the health food store when the 6 year old proceeds to squish empty gel capsules when I tell her repeatedly to PUT THEM BACK in my best shush-scream..and then she antagonizes the 3 year old by squeezing her arms, making her fall, running around the very small aisles....all in a matter of us being in the store for less than 60 seconds.
SIGH. SIGH....sigh
So, I sit the 6 year old on a small stool and say "Don't move your butt from this seat until we are ready to go"
We have been dealing with her having fear issues at night and turning all her damn lights on and I was going to look through a quick homeopathic book to see what something said about this. I open the page to the index and I hear a CRASH.....and see a bottle fall off the shelf...and two workers come around the corner...and I'm thinking, oh she drops a bottle and how did it make that sound? Well, they pull the damn FIRE EXTIUNGUISHER from the side of the 6 year old and ask her if she is okay. I go over and ask her if she was messing with it to make it fall and they want to make sure she didn't get hit by it and if she's okay. She says she okay and she didn't do anything.
So I grab both girls' hands at this point and throw us in line, utterly PISSED by this point. Buy my acidophilus and leave.
I guess she pushed her head up against it and it fell off the hook. My hell. I swear.

So I sent her straight to her room to do homework and reading and the husband and I are having a very serious discussion with her tonight.

Let me tell you that most of our *serious* discussions end up with her covering her ears and yelling at us.

We are doomed.

Well, it is time to make dinner. I am starving, absolutely famished.
Last week at work was horrendous due to my sicko, call in sick sick sicko, worked a big, whopping 3 hours total last week.
I've had it with her. No more Mrs. nice boss from me. The stick falls here.

I also have to fly to Wisconsin for business next week for a whirlwind trip that involves one whole day of a conference.